[펌] Desparate Prayers

물론 명시적으로 이런 기도는 하지 않지만, 내 마음 깊은 곳에서, 그리고 기도하는 나의 기본 태도 속에서 이런 자세가 있음을 고백하지 않을 수 없다. 하나님께서 기도를 들으실 때 얼마나 가증스러우실까?

Desperate Prayers

Lord help me to relax about insignificant details beginning at 7:41:23 am, e.s.t.

God help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them ARE hypersensitive.

God help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're usually NOT my fault.

God, help me to not try to RUN everything. But, if You need some help, please feel free to ASK me!

Lord, help me to be more laid back, and help me to do it EXACTLY right.

God help me to take things more seriously, especially laughter, parties, and dancing.

God give me patience, and I mean right NOW!

Lord help me not be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that correctly?)

God, help me to keep my mind on one th-(Look, a bird)-ing at a time.

God help me to do only what I can, and trust you for the rest. And would you mind putting that in writing?

Lord keep me open to other peoples' ideas, WRONG though they may be.

Lord help me be less independent, but let me do it my way.

Lord help me follow established procedures today. On second thought, I'll settle for a few minutes.

Lord help me to slowdownandnotrushthroughwhatIdo.

Amen

무제...

또 하루 멀어져 간다.

내뿜은 담배 연기 처럼

작기 만한 내 기억속엔

무얼 채워 살고 있는지

점점 더 멀어져간다.

머물러 있는 청춘인줄 알았는데

비어가는 내 가슴 속에

아무 것도 찾을 수없네

계절은 다시 돌아오지만

떠나간 내 사랑은 어디에

내가 떠나 보낸 것도 아닌데

내가 떠나 온것도 아닌데

조금씩 잊혀져 간다.

머물러 있는 사랑인줄 알았는데

또하루 멀어져 간다.

매일 이별하며 살고 있구나.

매일 이별하며 살고 있구나.

-김광석, 서른즈음에-

내가 UT에서 가장 좋아하는 미대 도서관의 넓은 창문으로 보이는 지는 태양을 보면서, 김광석의 "서른 즈음에"가 생각났다. 내 나이 이미 40을 넘기고 있기 때문에 노래 가사와는 맞지 않지만, 그래도 하루하루가 흘러가는 것에 대한 안타까움을 노래하는 그의 노래가 일면 공감이 간다.

이 땅에서의 내 생명, 하루 만큼의 생명이 사라진다...

하지만 그 사실이 전에는 참 안타까왔었는데... 지금은 오히려 기쁘다. 그것은 내가 그 무엇, 그 누구보다도 더 사랑하는 그분을 만나는, 그 때가 하루 만큼 더 가까와졌기 때문이다. 그리고 그분을 만나는 것 뿐만 아니라, 내 믿음의 동역자들... 잠시 함께 동역하다 공간적으로 떨어져 지낼 수 밖에 없었던 많은 그리운 동지들을 거기에서는 분명히 만날 것이라는 것을 믿기 때문이다.

천국을 소망한다.

The voice of God

The day before yesterday... Sunday at night, I was busy grading students' papers hearing CCM.
Suddenly, in the deepest of my heart, there was a voice. It was a clear voice that I can easily tell that it's not mine at all. It was God's, and He was commanding me to obey him.

My first reaction was rejection. Right, disobedience...
I DID NOT WANT TO OBEY GOD.
I hated to obey His command. He ordered the thing that I thought I will never do... I thought that there is no reason to do that. I complained that God is always unfair to me, and to me ONLY.

But soon, I said to myself "It's God command. How dare you to disobey Him?" That very simple question got me the feeble willingness to obey Him. But, then I felt my whole body is resisting. It just didn't want it. It hated it. At that moment, I understood why the Bible says: "For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please."(Galatians 5:17)

Happily, instead of being overwhelmed by the sinful nature of body which hates to obey God's command, I was able to mananage myself to do it. But, even then, I was reluctant, and I felt that I still don't want to do it. So I obeyed just half way. I just stopped in the middle. And resumed grading, and wanted to forget about it.

Then in a short while, the voice came back again, and this time it ordered the most difficult thing. I was angry at that. God, just leave me alone! Why are You bothering me? TOTALLY UNFAIR!!! I DON'T WANT TO DO IT!!! But surprisingly, this time, my body moved. I saw that once it had an experience of obedience, it was far easier next time. The Holy Spirit within me just led my body, and it completely obeyed His command.

It was disaster personally. I did the thing that I hated to do. I lost. I'm nothing...

But it was right after the unwilling obedience that I felt the scales slipped away that had been blocking my spiritual eyes to see the things that I had not seen: my arrogance and sin. I thought that I've always been very sensitive to my own sins, which is not totally untrue. But I realized that, in my heart, I had had a shaded area that the light of the God didn't reach.

God wanted me to see it. He wanted to shed light on it. He waited for quite a long time for it, and in His time, He interrupted my life and literally TOLD me to obey His command. My action was very simple and it wasn't not his major interest. It way the act of obedience that He wanted. And the obedience removed the scales, and as a result, I was able to see and become humble.

It was a wonderful experience. God simply said a couple of things, and when I obeyed, my life has changed. The great change came simply from the obedience to God.